Vulnerability

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." --C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1960

C.S. Lewis was a smart guy. I read him incessantly. I read him for pleasure, for affirmation, for clarity. Sometimes -- especially when seeking clarity -- his words make me sad. They give me pause instead of lifting me up. What C.S. Lewis always does for me is to let me know "Hey, Beck, it's okay. Even C.S. Lewis felt this way." I revel in his knowledge. I have, in fact, internalized it. I've consumed his words so often that of course I've internalized them. Repetition forces retention. I marvel at the "profound simplicity," as I've come to call it, of his logic. I revel in his logic.

But, Love is not logical, right? It's an emotion, and there is no logic in emotion. So, how did such an astonishingly logical man write The Four Loves? How did he articulate so completely the experience of Love? Because Love is not just an emotion. Love is an action. (Cue D.C. Talk's "Luv Is A Verb.") And Love in its purest form -- encompassed in commitment, compassion -- is a constant. The Four Loves as Lewis defined them are ALL absolutely essential to an everlasting devotion. As Eros ebbs and flows, Philia steps in to keep things moving in the right direction. Storge will remind us of why we did this Love thing to begin with. And with Agape at the center, the other three will never, ever cease. Agape does not keep us on the path; it sets our movements on the path of Love into motion.

I dig all of that. I want that. I strive for it. I let those virtues govern me and my relationship. I so want for things to be right, for them to "stick." I crave consistency, stability, security. I want my Love, especially my shared and mutual Love, to last. I know what will make it last. I do. I really, really do.

I can't really describe what a breaking heart feels like. It's so apparent, so dominating. One loses the ability to function. The sole purpose of existence becomes the quest to make it stop. Thoughts shatter and scatter into a thousand little moments of bliss and misery. Hope vanishes. Faith dies. But the pain pervades.

Lewis tells me that the only way I can avoid that debilitating feeling is to not Love. Is that humanly possible? If so, is that Bekah-ly possible? I'm afraid not. Now, I'm no sap, to be sure. But when I Love, I do it 210%. In so doing, could it ever really end?

If it could, would I want it to?

No. I want to Love. But Lewis reminds me: "You can't get something you want if you want it too desperately. Anyway, you can't get the best out of it." Ouch.

Still, my Love takes the hand of my commitment and re-centers its gaze upon the promised lovely, safe horizon. I have the map to that Canaan over the hill. I've drawn it out. I've shared it. I've given it away in hopes of being taken there. Hope resurfaces, and the rebirth of Love reigns supreme.

What other option do I have? To reject Love? To retreat to my solitary corner, curl up in the fetal position, and fight back inevitable tears? To selfishly embrace the sadness that comes from the wish that I not feel this way and the knowledge that it doesn't have to be this way? It happens. And apparent becomes the necessity that I take care of myself.

So should you. Entrusting someone else with such a task will lead you to disappointment. So, you must take care of yourself. No one will do this for you. And, if you're anything like me, you probably won't be consistent at it either.

But like me, also, I encourage you to Love. Love with passion. Love with devotion. Love when it's inconvenient. Love when you feel insecure. Let your Love define you. Let your Love guide you. Let yourself Love. Let yourself be Loved.

You may not be "safe." But, you will be right.

John 13:34 -- “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, as I have loved you.”

Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Take the risk. Love.