RIP, Sweet Brother Delaney

I just got word that Delaney Bramlett passed away this morning due to complications experienced from gall bladder surgery. His many loyal friends and fans will feel this loss deeply. I offer my condolences to his family and those closest to him and pray that they find comfort in his legendary creations and countless memories.

The Et Cetera of Internal Debates

Yes, I know it's been a month and a half since I last posted. Things have been a bit hectic lately. But, I'm okay if you're okay.

So, Erich Fromm, huh? Interesting cat. I dig a dude who will take Freud on. Plus, his middle name was Pinchas, and I find that awesome. He wrote a book called The Art of Loving that you MUST read. It is necessary. It is, in my mind, second only to The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis as an exploration of what Love is -- of what it should be, of it would should never be. Read it.

Dr. Fromm and I don't always agree, but his thought on insecurity struck me. Each of us has something(s) we are insecure about. None of us are perfect, and most of us are our own harshest critics. But how does one learn to tolerate insecurity?

First of all, people too frequently confuse insecurity with fears or even vanity. In order to get to the root of the problem (if there is a problem), you must first figure out what it is you're really dealing with. Are you truly insecure? Or is it more phobia? Or is it possible that you are just so vain . . . maybe you even think this blog is about you? (Sorry - couldn't resist.)

Look at it this way: is insecurity a form of vanity? Do you hate some aspect of yourself that you deem imperfect? And to what extent? Does it keep you up nights? Do you ever see that same imperfection in someone else? Or is everyone on the planet just plainly and simply better than you? Or are you just afraid that they are?

Insecurities, fears, and vanity can all be either rational or irrational. One might be very insecure about their extremely large Gonzo nose. Their insecurity may be rational/valid. But, I also guarantee you that someone somewhere digs a Gonzo nose and finds profound beauty in it. That, my friends, is what makes the world go 'round. Each of us have quirks in even our preferences, save we have enough ability left over to still think for ourselves outside of media brainwashing. My grandfather goes crazy for buck-teeth. My dad gushes over a crooked smile. These are perceived "flaws" that are actually striking to some.

Am I saying in a round-about way that there is someone for everyone, and we should all lay off ourselves and wait for the one that celebrates those things in us that make us feel internally like circus freaks? No, I'm not. Am I telling you to embrace your inner (or outer) circus freak? Kind of. I'm not a big proponent of Self-Love. I am, though, a strong advocate of individualism and self-acceptance. To me, one of the greatest accomplishments a human being can undertake is the admission of his/her "lesser strengths." Again, let's be rational. A Gonzo nose does not make you a lesser person than s/he who is without Gonzo nose. But self-loathing and loathing of others who prompt insecurity within you - even if it is just about a Gonzo nose - may make you a lesser person. Also, don't complain about what you tolerate. If your "flaw" is reparable, work on you.

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - Jung

Insecurity, self-loathing, fears of rejection and replacement can all be very excrutiating, even debilitating. It is important to recognize those things and reach the root of their existence in order to progress to some semblance of tolerating them. Before analyzing your insecurities, please take a moment to analyze what qualities you possess. If you can do this for yourself, you are more likely to be capable of pointing out to other people what is good/great about them. (If you have the ability to look beyond yourself and celebrate others, you're doing better than most.) And, if you are able to state what is positive about yourself, you are also more likely to surround yourself with people who alleviate your insecurities. Especially when it comes to a life mate, you must sense in that person your best interest.

Know, understand, and appreciate every single wonderful thing about you. And ignore any nay-sayer, even if it is yourself.

Internal debates

"The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity."
-Erich Fromm

Stay tuned.

Vulnerability

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." --C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 1960

C.S. Lewis was a smart guy. I read him incessantly. I read him for pleasure, for affirmation, for clarity. Sometimes -- especially when seeking clarity -- his words make me sad. They give me pause instead of lifting me up. What C.S. Lewis always does for me is to let me know "Hey, Beck, it's okay. Even C.S. Lewis felt this way." I revel in his knowledge. I have, in fact, internalized it. I've consumed his words so often that of course I've internalized them. Repetition forces retention. I marvel at the "profound simplicity," as I've come to call it, of his logic. I revel in his logic.

But, Love is not logical, right? It's an emotion, and there is no logic in emotion. So, how did such an astonishingly logical man write The Four Loves? How did he articulate so completely the experience of Love? Because Love is not just an emotion. Love is an action. (Cue D.C. Talk's "Luv Is A Verb.") And Love in its purest form -- encompassed in commitment, compassion -- is a constant. The Four Loves as Lewis defined them are ALL absolutely essential to an everlasting devotion. As Eros ebbs and flows, Philia steps in to keep things moving in the right direction. Storge will remind us of why we did this Love thing to begin with. And with Agape at the center, the other three will never, ever cease. Agape does not keep us on the path; it sets our movements on the path of Love into motion.

I dig all of that. I want that. I strive for it. I let those virtues govern me and my relationship. I so want for things to be right, for them to "stick." I crave consistency, stability, security. I want my Love, especially my shared and mutual Love, to last. I know what will make it last. I do. I really, really do.

I can't really describe what a breaking heart feels like. It's so apparent, so dominating. One loses the ability to function. The sole purpose of existence becomes the quest to make it stop. Thoughts shatter and scatter into a thousand little moments of bliss and misery. Hope vanishes. Faith dies. But the pain pervades.

Lewis tells me that the only way I can avoid that debilitating feeling is to not Love. Is that humanly possible? If so, is that Bekah-ly possible? I'm afraid not. Now, I'm no sap, to be sure. But when I Love, I do it 210%. In so doing, could it ever really end?

If it could, would I want it to?

No. I want to Love. But Lewis reminds me: "You can't get something you want if you want it too desperately. Anyway, you can't get the best out of it." Ouch.

Still, my Love takes the hand of my commitment and re-centers its gaze upon the promised lovely, safe horizon. I have the map to that Canaan over the hill. I've drawn it out. I've shared it. I've given it away in hopes of being taken there. Hope resurfaces, and the rebirth of Love reigns supreme.

What other option do I have? To reject Love? To retreat to my solitary corner, curl up in the fetal position, and fight back inevitable tears? To selfishly embrace the sadness that comes from the wish that I not feel this way and the knowledge that it doesn't have to be this way? It happens. And apparent becomes the necessity that I take care of myself.

So should you. Entrusting someone else with such a task will lead you to disappointment. So, you must take care of yourself. No one will do this for you. And, if you're anything like me, you probably won't be consistent at it either.

But like me, also, I encourage you to Love. Love with passion. Love with devotion. Love when it's inconvenient. Love when you feel insecure. Let your Love define you. Let your Love guide you. Let yourself Love. Let yourself be Loved.

You may not be "safe." But, you will be right.

John 13:34 -- “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, as I have loved you.”

Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Take the risk. Love.

John "Roll-the-Dice" McCain

. . . ring, ring . . .
Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "McCain picked some woman from Alaska."
Me: "For what?"
Mom: "Vice President."
. . . long pause . . .
Mom: "Is he gonna win, buddy?"

Mom and all else who are asking that question, here's my answer: he has a better chance now than ever.

John McCain -- who really doesn't come off as being an impetuous fellow -- has never been afraid to take a chance. Obviously, he still isn't. Yahoo's front page has called this a "risky" choice. Newsflash! Any VP pick is risky. Remember Dan Quayle and his total inability to complete a reasonable sentence? Al Gore and his innate ability to tell only the most preposterous fiblets? The primary task of a veep candidate is to make a possible future president look good (especially at this stage in the game). And this lady is going to make McCain shine.

I won't tell you what a remarkable rise she has experienced in Republican politics or even what a stellar human she is. Google away. But, I will tell you that she's adding something to this ticket that Sen. McCain needs - Conservative credibility. Not an easy task for a female.

Has she secured the ever elusive female vote for the parenthetical R's this year? Um, no. Feminists will rip her apart for her staunch pro-life stance. This lady WILL go after Biden on that and has opened up the door for McCain to go after Obama on it, specifically on the Born Alive bill.

I have a few concerns about her. (I would not call them reservations at this point.) But I'm sure both campaigns will address them soon enough. For now, I'm just thrilled to know that there are other truly Conservative females in this country and that one just might be Second in Command.

Pet Peeve: Vol. 1

When I explain something (in detail) to someone, and the person to whom I've offered the explanation then asks me questions . . . to which answers had already been directly addressed in said explanation, thus making me repeat myself.

Cut it out.

R.I.P., Spyder

I'm sad today . . .
Spyder -- the super special Northwest Georgia fawn -- succumbed to complications from the removal of his superfluous limbs. Lots of folks were pulling for this little guy, and I'm certain that the kind folks who were attempting to help him are devastated.
Peace to them and to him.

August and Everything After

Today marks six months until my and David's wedding date.

I'm proud of us. Our connection has proven its ability to withstand a number of issues. We Love each other. And for the first time in both of our lives, we find that moral absolute guiding us, impacting our decisions, and creating within our individual selves a desire to share an eternal embrace with each other.

I believe in our future together. I believe we are better off with each other than without. Do you know how you can tell that you've found "The One"? When you reach the realization that you are not willing to forgo that person. Then ta da! Your little solitary world is thrown completely out of whack. The hard part (and subsequent internal conflict) is forgoing all that is in place in your singular existence that would be damaging to your relationship with that person. Sooner or later, your Love (and desire and need) for your One trumps your attachment to your singular existence. You now have the promise and hope of something greater, something more substantial.

Lessons have been learned and internalized about each other and ourselves. And, we're still together. :) I have added the word "compromise" to my lexicon, and he has added "commitment" to his. Now, I'm working on the concept of allowing myself to be "taken care of." He's learning about the completely foreign concept of a budget. What's important is that we're learning and growing together. What else is important is this:

I cannot forgo that curly-headed, dreamy-eyed guy with the intriguing mind and charming wit. I cannot forgo the way he makes me laugh or the way he looks at me when I've said something other people would find ridiculous. I cannot forgo the excitement I feel (even now) when it's his voice on the other end of the phone. I cannot forgo the sense of falling in Love with him over and over again as I see his efforts to make me happy. I cannot forgo the picture I have in my mind of our children, our life together, our future.

David is my One. I am very blessed.